My black lace bra had long ago been replaced by a sturdy padded number when my husband, Bill, and I received a gift certificate to stay at a swanky hotel for our wedding anniversary. After years of wedded hit-and-miss bliss, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to reboot "Sexy Ilene."
"I sprang my trite idea on him when I knew he was weak. I explained we would independently show up at a nightclub attached to the hotel and seduce each other as strangers."I sprang my trite idea on him when I knew he was weak. (He was watching a show about aliens.) I explained we would independently show up at a nightclub attached to the hotel and seduce each other as strangers. Glazed-eyed, he nodded to make me go away, never losing sight of the aliens inside our TV.
Any good fantasy includes a wig, which explains how I found myself wandering around a perfumed boutique that catered to burlesque performers and daring graphic designers bent on seduction. Cascading locks of auburn, brunette and silvery blonde melded together to form what amounted to a wall of horses' tails. I settled on a flaxen coiffure and went home to strategize the upcoming night of erotic pleasure.
Glazed-eyed, he nodded to make me go away, never losing sight of the aliens inside our TV.
A Chick Flick's Worth of Clichés
Electricity radiated through my veins as I entered the dark suite. Then I turned on the light and saw two double beds rather than the one king I'd requested. I dropped my Pepto-pink duffel bag and dialed the front desk hoping for a quick fix, but no luck. The hotel was full. I glared at one bed. Then I glared at the other. Then I glared at them some more, until I realized we could have a sex bed and a sleeping bed. Clever and hygienic.
My vision of the night to come was a chick flick's worth of clichés. I imagined myself gliding up to Bill at a buffed wooden bar while he gazed deeply into my eyes. He'd order me a drink without breaking our eye lock and ask where I was from. 
We'd dance to a slow song—maybe an oldie by Lionel Richie—while he caressed my back and whispered something naughty in my ear (if he could remember what naughty was). Next, we'd hurry out of the bar and make out in the glass elevator on our way up to the room. And that's almost exactly how it happened.
It took nearly an hour and three hundred bobby pins to tame my hair into a maze of precious little pin curls that would allow me to wriggle my head into a wig cap the size of a small lemon. Once the wig was in place, I tried styling it so I wouldn't resemble my childhood cocker spaniel, Max. Painful synthetic hairs speared my eyeballs as I attempted to apply makeup. Tears spilled down my face. I came out looking like a skanky Ozzy Osbourne after a rough night.
I ordered a vodka and soda then surveilled the room. The place felt dated and worn out — kind of like I did.
My heart battered my insides as I entered the nearly empty nightclub and anxiously approached the bar. I ordered a vodka and soda then surveilled the room. The place felt dated and worn out — kind of like I did.
The dingy bar was at the center of the room beside a beat-up dance floor surrounded by small tables. Tiny fake tea candles, which I supposed were meant to class up the joint, topped the tables and created just enough light to reveal pitiful vases of phony flowers beside them. So much for the swanky hotel.
A Dancing Photographer?
I was one of three people in the club, including the bartender. After about ten minutes, a very fit redhead crossed the room and introduced herself as Deedee, then revealed that her club name was Montana — or maybe Wyoming — one of those western states. I never knew this custom of club etiquette, so I decided my name would be Ilene, but with an "E" instead of an "I."
I gratefully accepted the invitation to join her while she waited for her friends. We gabbed about weightlifting and push-up bras and the best way to slice a lime (down the center, horizontally). I was glad to have someone to talk to, even if that someone named herself after a state known mostly for elk and survivalists.
I had given considerable thought to inventing a new persona for Sexy Ilene but became so jumpy when Deedee asked about my profession that I blurted out "dancer" and "photographer" almost simultaneously.
"So you're a dancing photographer?"

"No, I'm a dancer and a photographer."
"What kind of dancer?"
I paused to work up the guts to say I danced at a cabaret but instead said, "aerobics instructor?" as if I were trying to convince myself.
I kept glancing at the door, desperately seeking my husband. He finally arrived about half an hour later and wandered to the bar. I tottered over on towering black patent heels and ordered another drink, then slithered over to the handsome stranger.
Our Kooky Scheme 
We chatted about our careers for a minute or two. (His was middle management at a printing company.) I invited him to my table where he became visibly ill at ease. Bill's eyes darted nervously between me and my new pal. His tan face blanched, and I noticed his fingers twitching. He thought I'd hired Deedee for a threesome. Knowing Bill, he'd probably prefer watching aliens.
Our affair ended at 10:00 p.m. with "Law & Order" reruns and a $17 turkey sandwich.
He asked me to dance. We were like oversized tweens — awkward, anxious and moderately sweaty. I excused myself, saying I had an early flight to catch, so he offered to walk me out. We tried smooching on our way up the elevator but couldn't stop laughing at the absurdity of this kooky scheme. My plan was failing perfectly.
We made it to the room, and about five steamy minutes later (maybe six), Bill slunk back down to the bar to retrieve the credit card he'd accidentally left. He returned to find Ilene with an "I" lying on the sleeping bed.
Flaming red undies had been flung toward the mini fridge in our hustle to the mattress, and there were still indentations on my thighs and under my boobs from the tight skirt and fancy brassiere. The vice-like shoes were scuttled beneath the sex bed, and I wore a plaid nightshirt and fuzzy purple socks adorned with yellow polka dots. Our affair ended at 10:00 p.m. with "Law & Order" reruns and a $17 turkey sandwich.
Swiping crumbs from my lap, I nearly choked on the realization. My plan to refresh our marriage was a bizarre fantasy built on boredom and insecurity. But our relationship was about more than sweet talk and platinum tresses. It was dull brown hair, unattractive sleepwear and a welcome trip home to the aliens inside our TV.


The Seduction Production

Ilene Haddad

The phone rang at 10:00 p.m. on a Sunday night when I was just about to fall asleep. It was my mother. Despite the unexpected hour, I assumed it was a routine call about an upcoming grocery trip or doctor appointment.
"The suicide of a loved one always seems to present questions that are unanswerable.""Hey, Mom. How are you?" I asked.
"Not so well, I'm afraid. Your sister Brooke is dead," she said. 
The shock was surreal. "WHAT?" I shouted. "She took her own life," my mom replied.
Her words barely registered. Finding it difficult to speak, I managed to ask what happened and she explained that my sister had hanged herself. She was 42 years old and left a spouse and three children.
I was told she didn't leave a note, leaving all of us to wonder why.
Earlier that evening, her husband Jake returned home to the horrific scene. Police arrived at my parents' home to deliver the news.
My mother asked if I would come over. After my wife and I made the silent twenty minute drive, we arrived to find my parents and two of my other siblings. While we were not an especially close knit family, we did come together in times of tragedy.
I was told she didn't leave a note, leaving all of us to wonder why.
Our Unexpectedly Close Relationship 
My sister was a "change of life" baby. Born in 1972 when my mother was age 41 (not exceptional by today's standards but advanced at the time) there was a five-year gap between her and my brother, the next youngest sibling.
I'm the second oldest of seven children. Between Brooke and me, there was a difference of thirteen years, but in some ways it felt like a different generation. When I was beginning college, she was just entering kindergarten. Our age difference magnified the normal rifts that occur between siblings.
Between Brooke and me, there was a difference of thirteen years, but in some ways it felt like a different generation.
But in an ironic way, we became close at the same time. Listening to music together (I tried hard to stomach the hits of the 80s), taking walks during the warm weather and occasional trips to the zoo were some of the ways our relationship grew. 
After graduating I went away to college, an experience both liberating and discomforting. While I appreciated the new personal freedom, I disliked the separation from my family, especially my youngest sister. Despite our physical separation we managed to maintain our connection. During my weekends home we would play board games and discuss her school experiences. 
As time went on, our relationship waxed and waned. Brooke began to take on the political views of our parents, which were conservative and stood in sharp contrast to my own. Sadly, these differences led to a near falling out with my sister, a split that lasted for many years. Shortly after graduating, I married and started my own family.
Years later Brooke also finished college and married. She and her husband had three children and lived an upper-middle class, yet transient lifestyle. My brother-in-law's frequent job changes took the family from the Midwest to California, and numerous other locations, before returning them to Illinois.
Brooke's life appeared to have all the markings of happiness, but adversity soon came her way. After divorcing her husband over his infidelity, she began the difficult life of a single parent. Her college degree in interior design didn't prove useful to her, so she returned to school to study nursing. After achieving LPN certification, Brooke took a series of jobs in nursing homes and small hospitals while continuing her studies with the aim of obtaining a Bachelor of Science degree, a prerequisite to becoming a Registered Nurse.
My Sister's Struggles 
Meanwhile, Brooke reconnected with an old friend from high school who was single. Romance soon blossomed, which led to marriage. It was around the same time she reached out to me to renew our relationship. My sister had grown up, and although we still had our differences, I was proud of the woman she'd become, and I wanted to be part of her life.
Brooke's life appeared to have all the markings of happiness, but adversity soon came her way.
But despite finding a new partner and a new career, a series of misfortunes soon emerged. Financial problems arose due to her ex-husband's frequently delinquent child support and alimony payments, sending her to court seeking motions to force compliance.   
Soon after that, Brooke began to experience numbness in her hands, tremors and excessive fatigue. A visit to a neurologist revealed a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, an autoimmune disorder that can be treated, but not cured. The last straw came when she failed to pass her nursing board exams to achieve certification as an RN.
Sadly, I only learned about these misfortunes after her death. 
Unanswered Questions
Financial stress, serious health issues and career failure all increase the risk of suicide. There's little doubt that many sufferers (including my sister) endure their problems in silence, perhaps heightening their risk even more. 
The problem of suicide is an increasing one. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the rate of suicide in the U.S. increased by 36% between 2000 and 2021— reaching an annual figure of over 48,000, or one death every 11 minutes. Suicide has truly become a public health issue.  
The suicide of a loved one always seems to present questions that are unanswerable. Beyond the "why" comes the self-examination: What could I have done to prevent this? Did I unwittingly contribute to her decision? I desperately want to believe the answer is no, but since she's not here to ask, I'll never know for sure.       
This summer will make nine years since my sister's passing. I think about her almost every day, and I'm sure I always will.


Unanswered Questions: Reflecting on the Loss of My Sister

Douglas Baker

Ken Dychtwald, a Next Avenue Influencer in Aging and founder and CEO of the Age Wave research and consulting firm, has just written a memoir, "Radical Curiosity: One Man's Search for Cosmic Magic and a Purposeful Life." In this poignant excerpt, he writes about how his dad "lived his life on his own two feet" and told his son he didn't want to "go out on my hands and knees."The author and his fatherI grew up in in the 1950s and '60s in a lower- to middle-class, mostly blue-collar community in Newark, N.J. We didn't have much, but neither did anyone else.
My Father's Wish When I Was Young
My father, Seymour, was a fiercely hardworking guy who wanted to be successful. For him, work wasn't about "finding his bliss," it was about being a responsible husband and father. His dad had skipped out on him, his brothers, sister and mother for almost 10 years during the Depression. In contrast, my dad wished to be a reliable family man and wanted our family to be living the American dream.
He got depressed and angry — very depressed and very angry.
Ultimately, my father rose from selling clothing and home furnishings out of the back of his truck to owning and operating a successful chain of women's clothing stores, The Dress Rack. When they were in their mid-60s, my folks retired and relocated to South Florida.
Throughout my life, my dad and I had a loving, but feisty relationship. He was a very opinionated guy (I guess I am, too) and was skeptical of many of my lifestyle and career moves — from New Jersey to California, from studying physics to the field of psychology and then to gerontology. But he had great love for my wife Maddy and our two kids, Casey and Zak – his only grandchildren. And he eventually developed a deep respect for what I made of myself.
His Health Reversals
The author and his father in younger daysMy parents' life was progressing just fine, but then in the 1990s, my father started to lose his vision and with it, control over much of his life. At first, his diabetes-related macular degeneration made it hard for him to read. But as the disease progressed, he no longer could write, balance his checkbook, drive his car or find his clothes. Sadly, during that period, Alzheimer's was chiseling away at my mother's mind and her memories.
My dad loved my mom so much that he railed against the dissolution of her memory and her mind. He got depressed and angry — very depressed and very angry.
As time passed and my mom became more confused, my father began telling me that he was thinking of taking his own life in partnership with my mom.
"We have always loved each other, but the wheels on both of our carts are falling off," he said. "If I die before Mom, she'll struggle terribly, and if she dies before me, I'll go crazy. Just as we've lived together, we want to die together."
That was quite a lot for me to digest.
One night, he asked me, "If I take my own life and Mom's, would that be brave or cowardly?" I said, "I sure don't know, Dad. If I was in your situation, I can't imagine what I'd think or do. But I might come to the same conclusion that you have."
My Fearful Nights
So, for almost a year, every night I'd go to sleep not knowing if my parents would be alive in the morning. But my father never took the action he had considered.
Then, in 2013, my brother Alan called me in a state of distress to report that our dad's blood sugar was going haywire. Usually, it was around 120; that day, it was 600. And to make things worse, he couldn't get his balance and had fallen on his face, giving himself a big gash on his forehead.
Alan was already on his way to fly to Florida and see how he could help our folks out. I packed my bags and headed east from California for the same reason.
Dad's Body Was Shutting Down
The next morning, my dad's doctor immediately had him admitted to intensive care. He had internal bleeding and had suffered a mild heart attack: his body was shutting down.
In intensive care, there was a tangle of wires and tubes all over him, and my dad was aggressively pulling them all out. As a cantankerous and sightless man, in a state of extreme agitation, not knowing what had happened to him or who these strange people were who were putting tubes and needles in his wrists, his mouth, his chest and his penis, my father was clearly going mad.
He called out to Alan and me: "What's going on? Get me out of here! Get me out of here!"
When he realized that his two boys were there for him, he called out to Alan and me: "What's going on? Get me out of here! Get me out of here!"
My dad settled down a bit, and Alan and I went home to see our mom. Then at around 10:00 pm, the phone rang. It was our dad, and he was pleading with us to come back and rescue him.
Alan and I shot back to the hospital and went into our anguished father's room. We held him and tried to calm him down. He was calling out, "Where am I? Who are all the people around me? What's happening?"
His arms, chest, face and hair were covered with blood because he kept pulling out his IV lines. The nurse rudely said to my brother and me: "Your father is really losing it."
In the morning, after a torturous night for both my dad and my brother who stayed with him and a sad night for me and for my mom who was confused but kept asking "Where's Seymour?" I returned to the hospital and we asked: "Dad, what do you want?"
Dad's Final Wish
"I'm scared," he said, "but I know this: I've lived my whole life on my own two feet, and I'm not going out on my hands and knees. Help me, Kenny and Alan. Help me. Please help me bring this to an end."
Shortly after that exchange, Alan and I met with our dad's physician. He was a kind and decent man who asked us if we wanted our dad to remain in intensive care or if we preferred to shift him to a hospice care ward in the hospital.
Were we going to battle to keep our dad alive for a few more days, albeit in a ghastly, ghoulish fashion? Or were we prepared to make him comfortable and allow him to die a good death? What an emotional and yet simple decision that needed to be made, right then and there.
We thought: "What would he want us to do?"
We immediately had Dad transferred to the hospice floor, where the kind nurses and aides removed all the IV wires and tubes, lovingly sponged all of the blood off him and even gave him a shave and combed his hair. They asked him what his favorite music was and then put a Frank Sinatra album on the CD player.
Next, they began a low dose of morphine to ease his anxiety. My wife Maddy and Casey and Zak all dropped what they were doing to fly to Florida and be with my dad.
Even though we had often butted heads, there was not one instance in my entire life when he wasn't there for me when I truly needed him.
As I contemplated the end of my father's life, I reflected than even though we had often butted heads, there was not one instance in my entire life when he wasn't there for me when I truly needed him.
My Motorcycle Ride Away From Him
I vividly remembered a weekend in 1971 when I rode my motorcycle from Allentown, Pa. to visit my folks in their new home in Springfield, N.J. At that point, I had already tuned in, turned on and dropped out; grown my hair and beard; started wearing an earring and cultivated many viewpoints about life that were far more "alternative" to ones my father strongly held. He must have thought I had lost my mind — while I believed I was finding it.
Late that Saturday night in 1971, my mom had gone to bed and my father and I were arguing about something. He started barking at me with criticisms about my life and friends. I squared off with him, nose to nose. I felt: "You don't know who I am — you don't get me!" I don't remember what we were fighting over, but I do remember it's the closest I'd ever come to telling him to go screw himself and punching him in the face.
Pearl Dychtwald with husband Seymour in the hospitalSo things wouldn't get completely out of control, I turned on my heels, went to the bedroom and slammed the door. Feeling I had to get out of there and not wanting to confront him again in the living room, I jumped out the bedroom window. Okay, it wasn't that high — maybe six feet above the ground. It was a dark and rainy winter night, and all I had on were my jeans, a T-shirt and a trench coat. With sheets of rain pouring down, it was going to take me about two hours to ride my motorcycle back to my apartment in Pennsylvania.
As I careened down the highway, I was crying and furious. I was thinking, "The hell with you — I'm going to do what I'm going to do with my life." The road was wet and slippery, and riding the motorcycle was a harrowing experience. Finally, at around 2 in the morning, I pulled off Highway 78 at the Fifteenth Street exit in Allentown and took the back road to my apartment. Exhausted, I parked my motorcycle in front.
Although it was pitch black, I noticed there was a car way down at the corner. It was moving slowly, but the lights weren't on. As I walked across the street to get to my apartment, I looked at this car as it was turning around. It was my dad. He had followed me all the way to Pennsylvania to make sure I was safe, and now he was silently turning around to drive all the way home.
How to Show Him Proper Respect?
Now nearly 50 years later, wanting to show him proper respect and kindness but not knowing how I should handle the situation with my dad nearing his death, I called one of my closest friends, Stuart Pellman, who was a bit older than me and had already dealt with the death of both of his parents.
He wisely told me, "Get one-on-one time with your dad and tell him everything you need to tell him. Even if he's unconscious, tell him you love him, ask him to forgive you for anything you may have ever done to trouble him. Tell him you forgive him for anything he might have ever done to upset you, and then tell him you'll always remember him."
And that's what I did.
I sat beside my dad and held him and told him how much I loved him, and he came awake and kissed me. He told me how much he loved me. Then we forgave each other and even laughed about all the times we had fought over the years.
I told him I'd always remember him. We held each other for a long while, and then I left the room and allowed my brother some privacy to do the same.
Then my mom came to his bedside and we all left the room, but we could see that she was holding and kissing him, and he was crying and telling her how much he loved her. She asked us to take a picture as she gave him her final kiss goodbye. Later that day, as Maddy, Casey, and Zak arrived and entered his room, he awakened and each of them got private time with Grandpa.
Our Last Conversation
That night, after the other members of my family had gone home, I joined my dad for a very intense and private conversation.
I said, "Dad, you've never asked me what I think happens when a person dies."
"I'd like to know what you think about that, Kenny," he responded. "Because I've begun to see my deceased brothers and sister and they're reaching out to me."
My dad had no religious beliefs, but I had some. So I said, "Dad, I don't know this for sure, but I believe when a person passes, there is another plane that presents itself. In that place are all the people you have known and loved."
As I began to describe this to him, he calmed down and started to cry. Then he turned toward me and told me he was ready.
I asked him if I could record the rest of our exchange on my phone so I could always have it to watch when I missed him. He said okay, and this is what transpired:
Ken: "Dad, you know that what's going to be next is going to be beautiful and your vision's going to be back and you're going to be a beautiful young man again."
Dad: "I'm ready for that, Kenny. I'm ready."
Ken: "And you know we all love you."
Dad: "I know it, Kenny."
Ken: "And you've always loved us."
Dad: "Right. That's true."
Ken: "So, what you'll need to do is to let go and just surrender and not worry about anything because Alan and Mom and I and Maddy and Zak and Casey are going to be OK. Everything is going to be looked after. All we need is for you to be relaxed and calm and just drift off into the white light. Can you do that, Dad?"
Dad: "Absolutely."
Ken: "I love you, Pops."
Dad: "I love you, Kenny."
My father died peacefully that night. With help from all of us, he went out on his own two feet.
Ultimately, even with all his frustration, anger, and talk of suicide, my dad died a good death. At the end, his pain was minimal. His mind was calm. He knew how much we loved him. He found a way to think about leaving his body as not being frightening. He had even thought he was catching glimpses of his siblings Milton, Carl and Ethel, and his best friend and brother-in-law, Marty Marcus.
And although he had been blind for years, at the very end, he began to describe beautiful waterfalls, flowers, birds and castles.
When my time comes, I hope that Maddy will kiss me goodbye and at least one of my kids — maybe even both — will be there to lovingly guide me out of my body.
(Excerpted from "Radical Curiosity: One Man's Search for Cosmic Magic and a Purposeful Life" by Ken Dychtwald, Ph.D, with the permission of Unnamed Press. Copyright © 2021 by Ken Dychtwald.)


My Dad's Final Days

Ken Dychtwald

Like many empty nesters, my husband and I reveled in the ability to take spontaneous trips or simply putter in the backyard without any major commitments involving children. Yet we also missed the controlled chaos of designing a last-minute octopus costume for the school play or driving to a soccer tournament with five squealing tween girls. The house stayed way too clean and was certainly too quiet. What better way to get a messy, noisy house than to invite some children over for a few days?
That’s why my husband Allan and I made the decision to be foster parents, more specifically emergent-care and respite care foster parents.
We enjoy being around kids, live in a great neighborhood next to a 320-acre park and have two empty bedrooms. However, we’re not the typical foster parents that may keep a child for several years. At this point in our lives, we want the freedom to travel for a few weeks several times a year. So, we found what seems to be a perfect fit for us (and hopefully other empty nesters) to help foster children while also giving us the ability to travel on our schedule.
Getting the Foster Parent Call at 10 PM
Often, police or social workers get called to remove children from their home due to abuse or neglect. But what do they do with a traumatized child at 10:00 pm? Sometimes, they bring them to our house.
We notify caseworkers when we are available to take a child in through “Emergent Care.” This could mean getting a night call from a caseworker saying, “We’ve just removed three siblings from their home. Can we bring them over?” The children arrive, and we make them as comfortable as possible while the caseworker gets to work finding a long-term foster home. Each state has different requirements, but usually the caseworker has around 72 hours to find that long-term placement.
We welcome the children to what we call “Camp Clark.” Our goal is to provide them a few days of fun and calm. The children probably won’t remember our names or where we lived. Hopefully, though, they’ll remember us as people that cared for them, played silly games and made a great batch of homemade playdough. We want them to know that kind, respectful adults exist.
Getting Emotionally Involved With the Kids
It’s easy to get emotionally involved as the children arrive. They come from horrific situations where I wish I could hug them and make their trauma go away.
It’s heartbreaking to meet a five-year-old who has been in 10 foster homes. One time, we cared for 3-, 5- and 6-year-old siblings who were basically non-verbal (and still in diapers) because of parental neglect.
After hearing one 14-year-old say, “Whenever I go to a new foster home, they always show me where I’ll sleep. And it’s always in the corner of a basement,” I decorated one bedroom with a jungle theme. Oh yes… it’s complete with a six-foot giraffe mural, stuffed monkeys hanging from vines and animal books galore. The other bedroom contains a flowered canopy above the pink-flowered quilt. Give me five minutes and I can transform that room to a sports-themed bedroom with a blue basketball quilt and matching curtains.
Thanks to donations from friends and garage sales, I have containers of extra clothes and pajamas, since children often arrive with just a few items in their backpacks. We want them to know they deserve a welcoming and creative environment.
Doing What Loving Parents Might Do
As children settle in, we do what loving parents might do: feed them, read books, take walks to the park and bring out the costume box. It doesn’t take long for the kids to get happily engaged in an activity.
Within two or three days, the caseworker calls to let us know the pick-up time to move the children to their new home. It’s often with mixed feelings we see the children leave. We enjoyed their time with us, and yet are disheartened that they have such disrupted lives.
Another option for short-term foster care is respite care and we do that, too. Foster parents accrue respite days, just like employees get vacation days. We might get a call two weeks in advance, asking to take a child for three days so their foster parents can have a mini-vacation. We simply say yes or no, depending on our schedule. Recently, brothers stayed with us for two days while their foster mother handled the complicated court logistics to adopt another foster child.
Why Short-Term Foster Care Works for Empty Nesters
Short-term foster care works for empty nesters on many levels. Empty nesters know how to redirect negative behavior or (hopefully) calm a tantrum before it escalates. And our homes usually have a spare room or two. Let’s face it. Many of us miss reading Goodnight Moon over and over!
By providing short-term foster care, children have a safe and inviting place to go during this stressful time in their lives. In most parts of the country, there is a dire need for any type of foster home. The caseworkers we work with appreciate the days we are available, and we feel no guilt when taking time off to travel or fulfill other commitments.
Thanks to Google, it’s easy to simply type in “Foster Care Licensing in (your state).” You’ll find governmental agencies as well as private organizations that will walk you through the steps. Yes, it requires some paperwork, background checks and a few classes. But when a frightened child arrives in your home, you know it’s worth the effort.


Help Needy Kids By Becoming a Short-Term Foster Parent

Silvana Clark

Update: The agenda for the White House Conference on Aging has been posted here. 
The 2015 White House Conference on Aging (WHCOA) on Monday July 13 will feature many firsts: The first time the conference will be live-streamed; the first time the public has joined the discussion via social media; the first time there have been no delegates and the first time the president has addressed the conference since 1995. (The conference is held once a decade, with  the first in 1961.)
While some are unhappy that this year's conference is an invitation-only event for 200 or so — with passes harder to snag than a seat at a White House State Dinner — the digitalization of the gathering means the public will be able to see and participate in what used to be a closed-door event for insiders in the aging field. Next Avenue will cover and write about the conference on Monday.
Creating a Public Agenda
"This is an experiment," says Larry Minnix, President and CEO of LeadingAge (an association of nonprofit providers of aging services) which is sending two people to the conference. "They are going to get ... a lot more consumer input into the whole process," he says adding that he hopes White House Conference on Aging staff will do a good job collecting the input to create "a public agenda" for issues affecting older Americans.
Squeezing what used to take several days into seven hours (10 am to 5 pm ET), the event will cover four broad subject areas: retirement security, long-term services and supports, elder justice and healthy aging.
Experts on aging from all quarters will lead the panel discussions and members of the Obama Administration, including four cabinet secretaries, will deliver remarks.
A Wishlist for Experts and Advocates
Next Avenue checked in with a few experts in aging to see what they hope will come of the conference:
Greg O'Neill,  Director of the Public Policy Institute of The Gerontological Society of America, says he hopes that opening the conference up to the public will kick-start conversations around critical issues in aging and let people know they are not alone in their struggles, especially caregivers and those dealing with Alzheimer's. "Caregiving issues are in a crisis situation in this country," he says. And many caregivers think they are alone."
O'Neill is also excited to see technology getting its own panel for the first time. In the past, there was an exhibit hall but technology in aging did not have a direct role in the program, he says.
Cindy Hounsell,  founder and President of Women's Institute for a Secure Retirement (WISER) wrote to say, "I am hoping that the conference will provide momentum for the passage of the Older Americans Act. It was introduced in January with bipartisan support. It has lingered for three  years and is the cornerstone for aging services." For Hounsell, Monday will mark her third WHCOA conference. She hopes the president will affirm in his remarks the "importance of the role of Social Security to everyone, sacrifices families are making to provide caregiving and the need for long-term care supports."
For Michael Adams, Executive Director of Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders (SAGE), this White House aging conference is his first. In 2005, he says, there was only one person out of 3,000 delegates attending as a representative of the LGBT community. This year,  SAGE is bringing four. "I feel very pleased that we have a ticket and a big stake in the proceedings Monday," Adams says, adding that he hopes to see "some kind of announcement with proactive steps to confront discrimination against LGBT seniors in federally-subsidized housing."
Marc Freedman, founder and CEO of Encore.org, a nonprofit to help people 50+ find meaningful second acts, wrote: "I hope to hear creative ideas for how we can best leverage the idealism, skills, and talent of the tens of millions moving into the second half of life, and to witness leadership from within and outside of government determined to realize this potential experience dividend. "
Minnix hopes the conference will advance efforts to make long-term care insurance more widely available and address the growing burden of Alzheimer's.  Beyond the policy, he adds, "It will be really inspiring. This White House has been very attentive to caregiving issues and issues of integration and innovation . I’m sure it will be good."
How to Participate in the White House Conference on Aging
The White House shared a schedule with the media this week.  The full program of speakers is posted here. Those not able to attend may watch the events live at whitehouse.gov/live or attend one of numerous public watch parties around the country. To join the discussion online, use the hashtag #WHCOA.
(All times ET)
10:00 a.m.     Morning Session Welcome                
10:05 a.m.      Panel 1: Caregiving in America            
11:25 a.m.      Remarks by President  Obama
11:35 a.m.      Panel 2: Planning for Financial Security at Every Age
BREAK
1:20 p.m.        Afternoon Session Welcome
 2:05 p.m.       Panel 3: The Power of Intergenerational Connections and Healthy Aging
2:50 p.m.        Panel 4: Empowering All Generations: Elder Justice in the 21st century 
 3:50 p.m.       Panel 5: Technology and the Future of Aging
 4:30 p.m.        Closing Remarks


High Expectations for White House Aging Conference

Liza Kaufman Hogan

Like most people, I find it increasingly difficult to focus at work these days. The endless flow of e-mail, text messages and social media plays havoc with my productivity more often than I care to admit.
And I’m one of the lucky ones. As a self-employed home-based worker, I don’t have to deal with the disruptions of a more conventional workplace: office gossip, annoying co-workers and endless meetings, to name a few.
The truth is, distractions and productivity obstacles lurk everywhere in our 24/7 wired world. They can seriously disrupt your job performance and make your workdays longer. On top of that, the added stress isn’t good for you. A new study published in the British medical journal the Lancet found the more hours people work, the higher their risk of stroke.
So allow me to share some pointers I picked up at a workshop called Tips and Tactics to Focus on Your Content and Get More Things Done presented by Sam Horn and Danielle Faust during the recent BlogHer15 conference.
Horn is a speaker, communications consultant and author of several books including the useful ConZENtrate: Get Focused and Pay Attention —When Life Is Filled with Pressures, Distractions, and Multiple Priorities. Faust juggles her successful lifestyle blog OKDani.com, and a coaching business, while caring for two toddlers.
Clearly, these two busy and successful women get the productivity thing. I think you’ll find their advice can help you minimize the impact of work distractions, improve your output and give yourself more time to enjoy your personal life.
Horn’s 5 FOCUS Tips to Improve Focus
Horn offered five ways to improve concentration using the clever FOCUS acronym:
F is for the Five More Rule. The next time you find yourself getting frustrated and ready to quit a task, Horn says, push yourself to just do “five more.” What that means specifically depends on the task at hand.
It could translate to five more minutes of writing, logging five more entries on a spreadsheet or placing five more sales calls.
Just as athletes often get a second wind by pushing past a momentary cramp, you’ll build mental muscle if you practice not giving in as soon as your willpower fizzles. Interestingly, many people find (as I did) that once you get your focus back on track, you actually want to keep working past just “five more.”
O is for One Think at a Time. Ever feel like your brain is overflowing with information? Me, too. For example, as soon as I started writing this blog post, a voice in my head reminded me to order paper goods for an upcoming party, message my daughter about dinner plans, call the plumber about a leaky faucet and…well, you get the idea.
Fortunately, I took Horn’s suggestion for this tip and began keeping a notebook nearby. Now I have a convenient place to jot down all those random, distracting thoughts interrupting my flow. While this system isn’t foolproof, it helps keep me on track more often than not.
Horn picked up the strategy while speaking with author Frank (Angela’s Ashes) McCourt. He kept two notebooks by his side, one for his “real” writing and one to record his random thoughts.
C is for Conquer Procrastination. All of us put off doing tasks and projects that really need to get done. The next time you go into stall mode, Horn recommends considering three key questions:
Do I have to do this?Do I want it over so it won’t cause me guilt or frustration?Will it be any easier later?By asking them, you’ll be forced to confront the reality that a) the task isn’t going away by itself and b) you’ll feel better once it’s done.
It works. Last week, I was dreading having to complete a lengthy tourist visa application for an upcoming trip to India (the type of mindless task I typically avoid like the plague). By consciously acknowledging that it had to get done and that waiting would not make it any easier, however, I buckled down and knocked it off my to-do list — much sooner and with far less angst than usual.
U is for Use Pavlovian Rituals. Many professionals start their work with a ritual-like practice: doctors scrub up before surgery, musicians play scales, tennis players bounce a ball three times before serving. The rituals signal to the brain: “Game On!” Horn recommends we all create rituals to facilitate better focus.
For a home-based writer, it could mean going to a library as a signal that it’s time to write. If you work in a conventional office, turning off your cell phone and clearing papers off your desk can get you to focus on an important project. Whatever ritual you choose, using it consistently can help train your brain to switch into focus mode on command.
S is for Set Specific Start and End Times. To become more productive, it’s important to give your brain specific and clear instructions. So the next time you sit down to start work, Horn says, try putting clear boundaries around your assignments. For instance: “I will write and print out the agenda for today’s meeting between 10:00 and 10:45.”
You won’t always get the job done in the time allotted, but the use of clear marching orders will help you focused and boost your productivity.
Faust’s 3 Time Management and Organizational Tips
Faust had a number of clever organizational tips. Here are three of my favorites:
1. Use smart apps and tools to better manage projects and stay organized. Four she recommended:
GoogleDocs It lets you create, edit and share documents online for free.
Aquanotes This is a low-tech aid that’ll come in handy if your best ideas come to you in the shower. Aquanotes are waterproof notepads whose tagline is: “No more great ideas down the drain.” Cost: $7 for 40 sheets of $28 for a five-pack.
Trello The free project management tool helps you ditch the “out-of-date spreadsheets, no-longer-so-sticky notes and clunky software” that plague many work assignments. It’s available in apps for the web, Android and Apple devices.
Asana The web and mobile application is designed to help teams plan and manage projects online, without using e-mail. It’s free for teams of up to 15 people.
2. Practice a Power Hour. What’s a Power Hour? It’s 60 minutes when you buckle yourself to a seat and do what needs to get done — no distractions, no email, no excuses. At the end of the hour, you’re free to move on. Many motivational speakers and time-management gurus, such as Tony Robbins, are fans.
Give it a go. You’ll be amazed how one focused hour often yields far greater results than a distraction-filled five-hour slot.
3. Schedule in guilt-free relaxation. Avoid getting carried away and over-scheduling your life. As Faust said to laughter from the crowd: “Don’t should all over yourself.” Remember to leave time for fun and relaxation, no matter how busy you are.
Taking time to relax and refresh, even if it’s only an hour or two, is invaluable for your psyche — and provides the extra energy needed to more fully engage the rest of the day.
Now, with this post out of the way, I’m taking my own advice and I’m off for a walk! See ya.


8 Ways to Beat Work Distractions and Be More Productive

Nancy Collamer

After spending 21 years traveling the country as a self-employed professional speaker and author, I asked myself: Would a real job satisfy me?
There was only one way to find out. I did what many high schoolers do and arranged to job-shadow people in several fields, starting with a retirement home activity director.
By describing my experience, I’m hoping you’ll see whether you might want to consider switching fields in midlife to become an activity director — and whether you could.
Job Shadowing an Activity Director
For this job shadow, I followed around Julie Silva, Activity Director at Chateau at Valley Center Senior Living in Renton, Wash., to learn her daily routine.
I figured that being an activity director would be an excellent fit given my excess energy as well as my experience as a former camp counselor, back in the day when macramé was all the rage.
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Little did I know that Julie offered her residents activities ranging from trips to the symphony to Casino nights to pumpkin carving.
A typical schedule at The Chateau:
9:00 am Water Exercise in Pool
10:00 am Balance Exercise Class
10:30 am Trip to Costco
1:00 pm Speed Scrabble
3:30 pm: Happy Hour With Hanky Panky Band
7:00 pm: Bingo
And that’s just for one day! Other activities include Bible study, Wii Bowling, movies, billiards, cooking demonstrations and wine tasting. Julie plans the activities and works with her staff to carry out the program.
My Job-Shadow Experience
On one day, I sat in on several exercise classes led by an enthusiastic physical therapist as she gave residents a workout with weights, balls and stretch bands. On another, I worked with Eric Peterson, a recently hired Activity Assistant there. He busily cut strips in the edges of fleece lap blankets, emblazoned with the Seattle Seahawks logo, so people riding the Chateau bus to various events could use the blankets if they got cold.
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I enjoyed seeing the staff interact with residents. Anytime someone living at Chateau walked by the blanket-making area, one of the activity staffers called out something like: “Hey John! Come on over and help us make a Seahawks blanket!” Soon about a dozen residents sat at tables, happily tying knots in the fleece blankets while engaged in trash talk to anyone not rooting for the Seahawks.
Not for Perfectionists
It occurred to me that a perfectionist wouldn’t have enjoyed this type of work. Most of the residents were more interested in chatting with their friends than creating Pinterest-worthy blankets. Many knots were jumbled, so I unobtrusively made sure the blankets were held together properly. As with many things in life, the process is more important than the end product.
During the weekly 3:30 pm Happy Hour (two drink limit), when Julie danced with any resident looking for a partner, it was hard to tell who was having more fun — Julie or the residents.
As I watched her dance effortlessly, I panicked. What if she wanted me to dance with someone? I can’t dance, have no sense of rhythm and can’t even clap my hands to the correct beat in church. (Crisis averted when a resident asked me for some cookies and Julie maintained dance partner duties.)
In between dances, Julie mixed and served drinks. I watched in amazement as she knew which resident wanted rum and Coke and which wanted red wine. She also knew which one should only have a half-glass of wine, so he wouldn’t lose his balance after Happy Hour.
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A Former Activity Director's Memories
Just as I was wondering if I was too old to be an activity director, the room took on new energy as a tall, stylish women glided into the room. Immediately people called out, “Hi, Sandy!” and “Hey Sandy, look at these blankets we’re making!” Sandy made the rounds, hugging and chatting with all the residents as if they were old friends. Turns out, they were. Sandy recently retired from The Chateau after five years as the activity director. Now she comes back twice a week to volunteer by leading a Bible study and helping at special events. Did I mention that Sandy is 70?
“I lucked out by having my last job be my best job,” she told me as we went to a side room to talk. “It’s great seeing people have fun and interacting one-on-one with them. That’s why I loved working here,” she said, stopping to wave to residents and staffers as they greeted her.
After my job shadow stint ended, I could see what Sandy meant. Being involved in the lives of retirement-home residents by providing them with creative and fun activities just might be a job I could enjoy. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most amazing, wonderful, terrific, fulfilling dream job that ever exists, I give activity director a score of 8.
Wonder if they need a macramé instructor?
What It Takes to Be an Activity Director
Qualifications to be an activity director or activity assistant vary from state to state; you may need to become state-licensed. Many retirement centers and assisted living facilities offer on-the-job training or classes at local schools.  (The average salary for an activity director at a nursing home, according to Salary.com: $37,060.)
Having been a speaker at many health care and activity director conferences, I know the main qualification to work in this field is having an outgoing personality. So often, I’d listen to directors tell me: “I can train people for CPR and to lead activities. I can’t train someone to smile when a resident enters the room. I can’t train someone to sincerely ask to see the pictures of the resident’s latest grandchild. I need employees who are friendly, upbeat and personable.”
So if you wouldn’t enjoy interacting with residents, don’t consider a career switch. But if having fun with groups of older people matches your personality, a job as activity director could be worth considering.
Sites With More Information
To learn more about becoming an activity director or activity assistant, check out the website of The National Association of Activity Professionals. This group is having its annual conference in St. Louis April 30-May 3, where you could make great contacts and learn from people already working in the field.
Another helpful site: Activity Director’s Office, which has useful links to ones for activity director community members, certification courses and more.
Most states have associations geared towards activity directors; a quick online search for the name of your state followed by “activity professionals” should get you local contact information.
You can search for retirement home activity director jobs online at sites such as Glassdoor.com and Careerbuilder.com.
 
Silvana Clark is a self-employed professional speaker and author of 12 books. She and her husband are brand ambassadors who get paid to travel across the country for various companies.


Career Shift: Retirement Home Activity Director

Supermarket shelves are jammed with all manner of “milk” selections that don’t come from the dairy down the road, but from plant sources like nuts, soy and grains. Rapidly stealing cows’ milk customers, non-dairy beverages are popular for all kinds of reasons, from environmental concerns to animal well-being to lactose intolerance.
But what do these milk knock-offs taste like? And are they good-for-you? Looking at the big picture, it’s a mix of pros and cons. On the plus side are low levels of artery-clogging saturated fat, zero cholesterol and convenient packaging. The cons: Sugar content is often high and protein levels, except in the case of soy milk, are not impressive. So before you start sipping, take a look at how some of these popular non-dairy beverages stack-up.
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Almond Milk
The “Miss Congeniality” of non-dairy alternatives, almond milk glows with a nutrient-rich almond halo. After all, an ounce of almonds (23 nuts) sports a healthy six grams of protein, lots of Vitamin E and small amounts of minerals, like magnesium and calcium. The hitch: A cup of almond milk contains roughly four almonds, according to Nutrition Action Health Letter, barely enough to contribute much of that good-for-you almond nutrition. One cup of this milk (mostly water and sweeteners) delivers just one gram of protein, unless you buy one of the newer protein-fortified varieties. Bottom line: Drink it if you like the taste. (Note: All alternative milks have added sugars except for the unsweetened varieties. For more about sugar amounts, see Alternatives vs Cow's Milk.)
Calories per cup: 30-120; 1 gram protein, 1-23 grams carb (0-22 grams sugars), 3 grams fat
Sipping Notes: Lightly sweet with the faintest hint of almond.
Hemp Seed Milk
Fairly new to the non-dairy aisle, this light beige drink is winning over converts at a rapid clip, mostly due to its thicker, creamier texture. If you’re a child of the '60s you might be connecting the dots and wondering if hemp has some of the same psychoactive compounds as marijuana. Not to worry. Hemp seeds contain zilch in the way of THC so they won't deliver that well-known “high.” The nutrition claim to fame for these light-colored seeds is that they’re a rich source of plant-based omega 3 fats, the kind of fats that are healthy for the heart. Of the 5-6 grams of fat in a cup of hemp milk, only half a gram is saturated fat. Alas, protein levels are low, just two grams per cup.
Calories per cup: 70-190; 2 grams protein, 1-35 grams carb (6-23 grams sugars), 6 grams fat
Sipping Notes:  Mildly nutty with a subtle sweetness. Ranks as the thickest and creamiest of the milk alternatives, particularly the Tempt brand.
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Coconut Milk
If you’re expecting the big, bold flavor of canned coconut milk, this in-the-carton coconut beverage is sure to disappoint. It’s hard to even detect coconut in the blend (unless you’re one of those super tasters). What these drinks do have is plenty of saturated fat, ounce-for-ounce as much as whole milk. That probably explains their popularity as coffee creamers and cereal toppers since saturated fat delivers a richer mouthfeel. But is sipping saturated fat a good idea? Despite what you hear about coconut being a healthy fat, the American Heart Association still recommends going easy on all saturated fats, including coconut. Counting carbs? Coconut milk, which is low in protein like other alternatives, sports the lowest carb levels of alternative milks with a skimpy 5 or 6 grams of carbs on average. Even chocolate flavored varieties max out at 10 grams (a little over two teaspoons) of sugar.
Calories per cup:  50-100; 0-1 gram protein, 1-12 grams carb (1-10 grams sugars), 5 grams fat
Sipping Notes: Not very sweet and the coconut flavor is barely detectable.
Rice Milk
Made by blending cooked brown rice with water, this bright white drink looks most like cow’s milk in the glass. But like other alternatives, it delivers a measly gram or two of protein per cup, compared to the 8 grams found in dairy milk. On the minus side for diabetics and anyone watching their sugar intake, it’s also the richest in carbs of non-dairy beverages with unsweetened varieties often having 10 grams of carbs (instead of the usual one or two grams) and flavored varieties going as high as 34 grams (8 teaspoons sugar.) Who can benefit? Anyone with a nut allergy or people looking for a gluten-free alternative.
Calories per cup: 70-160; 1-2 grams protein, 11-34 grams carb (1-28 grams sugars), 3 grams fat
Sipping Notes: Most “watery” of the alternative milks, this one is also the sweetest tasting.
Soy Milk
The best source of protein among the “milk” alternatives, soy milk is a close match to 2% cow’s milk when it comes to nutrition. It carries about 7 grams of protein; cow’s milk has 8 grams. It’s moderate in fat, about 4 grams per cup, compared to 2% milk’s 5 grams. Where they differ? Most of soy milk’s fat is the unsaturated heart-healthy variety while most of cow’s milk’s fat is saturated. So if you’re looking for a non-dairy beverage to replace milk’s nutrition and improve on its fat profile, this is the one to buy. One caveat: Since most soybeans grown today are genetically modified, look for organic products if you want to sip “non-GMO.”
Calories per cup: 90-130; 6-8 grams protein, 7-14 grams carb (6-11 grams sugar), 4 grams fat
Sipping Notes: Added sugars and flavors don’t always do a good job of masking the mildly “beany” flavor.
Alternatives vs Cow’s Milk
Wondering about storage, safety, and cooking tips for your favorite alternative milk? Here’s Next Avenue's answers to frequently asked questions:
How long do these milks last once opened?
Like cow’s milk, most alternative milks are ultra pasteurized (exposed to high heat for short periods of time) to extend shelf-life. Once opened, store them in the refrigerator and use them up in 7 to 10 days.
How can you tell if almond, rice or coconut “milk” is spoiled?
Just like with dairy products, alternative milks will curdle, develop funky aromas and go through changes in color and texture that signal spoilage.
Do these alternative milks match up to cow’s milk when it comes to calcium and vitamin D?
That depends. Alternatives are fortified with anywhere from 10 to 45 percent of daily calcium requirements. But the type of calcium used is key. If it’s calcium carbonate, the body takes it in easily. If it’s tricalcium phosphate, don’t expect to absorb as much due to lower bioavailability. Vitamin D is a slightly different story. Cow's milk is fortified with vitamin D3; alternatives contain vitamin D2, usually about 25 to 30 percent of the daily requirement. Which form of "D" is best? Both are well absorbed so either is a good source of the nutrient.
What’s a good benchmark for healthy amounts of added sugar in these milks?
Unsweetened alternative milks, averaging 0 to 2 grams of sugar per cup, aren’t a problem. And anything that keeps in line with cow’s milk, which has 12 grams of natural sugars per cup, is probably fine. But step into flavored territory and sugar levels skyrocket. A cup of chocolate flavored almond or hemp seed milk packs a whopping 22 to 23 grams or almost 6 teaspoons of sugar. Chocolate-flavored rice milk can have as much as 34 grams of sugar. For reference, the American Heart Association recommends a daily limit of 6 teaspoons (24 grams) of added sugar calories per day for women and 9 teaspoons (36 grams) for men.
What’s up with additives like guar gum, locust bean gum, tapioca starch and carrageenan?
Used in ice creams, puddings, and many packaged foods these generally recognized as safe (GRAS) chemicals are thickening agents used to improve mouthfeel and texture. Want to sidestep them and make your own alternative milks? Click here for recipes.
Can I bake and cook with non-dairy milks?
Yes and no. While most alternatives will stand in for dairy milk, results tend to be mixed. That makes sense when you consider that flavorings, sugar content, and thickeners — which vary from brand to brand and with each type of milk — can all impact the end result. Some general rules of thumb: Coconut milk and unsweetened milks work best in sauces. For baking, opt for milks with a similar sugar profile to cow’s milk (12 grams of sugar per cup) since sugar impacts crust and texture. And check company websites for tips. Blue Diamond, for instance, advises against using Almond Breeze with packaged instant puddings.
Can I make yogurt with these milks?
Yes, although you might need extra thickeners to net a desirable yogurt texture. Click here to find yogurt recipes and supplies.


Milk Alternatives: Are They Really Better for You, or Is It Hype?

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